Latest x-rays....

For the last month or so, the progress, or rather lack thereof, that my arm has been making, has been really getting me down. There have been days when it feels pretty strong and pain free, and I get a little optimistic. But then if I'm weak doing pushups, or opening a heavy door gives me pain, or it stays sore for days, or even when I just see that long purple scar, I am reminded again how my body has been changed forever. That it will never be what it once was. Part of it is just asthetics, and I believe after a time I will adjust to that, because really that's just my ego, and I am learning to let that go. Shit, I'm 45 years old. LOTS of parts ain't what they used to be. But the other part is the loss of some function - and I doubt I can ever adjust to THAT. My broken-armed friends (I have quite a few of them) have said that after a time, they feel no real difference between arms. I thought healing would be linear- with no steps backwards. I've since seen that that's not so. 4 months since breaking it, I flew a glider again. 5 months, and I flew my Litespeed. But my arm isn't right really. It feels like around 90%. And 90% isn't going to make me feel comfortable flying and racing hang gliders again- or even just going XC- or even just flying in ratty air. I didn't expect 100% at this point, but I have had the feeling for this last month that I will never GET 100%. I've been trying to prepare myself for this huge letdown, and I was seeking out discussions with others who have had to curb the kind of flying they can do due to age or injury (or even fear). And I've just been getting really down.

So I went to see my bone doctor yesterday and she took these x-rays. After I told her about the way my elbow creaks and cracks and feels sore, and I showed her the thing jutting unnaturally from there, she said she was going to take all the hardware out of my arm. Not now, but after a time. I about died. The thought of having to go through any part of this healing process over again felt like a kick in the stomach. Then there were all the thoughts about the actual surgery and drills and more scars and how much of all this metal had bone grown around it... ugh... more than I could take. After talking about it for a while with her (this lady is good at listening/hearing/explaining) I began to realize that what she was talking about was getting me back to 100%. I was still flipping out about it when I left her office, but the things she said slowly sank in as the day wore on and for the first time in months, I feel really hopeful about how this will all turn out. First and foremost is that this doctor realizes just how much range and strength and finesse it takes to fly hang gliders. And instead of saying, "well, you shouldn't have been doing that nonsense in the first place" or "guess you'll have to put that behind you now", she's saying "We need to make this right, and in the meantime, get back upon that horse and fly your ass off so you're stronger going into the second surgery". Holy crap! That's a pretty cool prescription!!!! She suspected when she first saw me in May that I might have the kind of problems I'm having with the lengths of the plates that were put in. It's beginning to fit really well in my head- the thought of having all this crap removed. I'll wait a full year from now, so I'm not missing as much of the season. All she asked me to do was not break it again before then because it'll be a REALLY BIG mess to fix, and she's not up for that... So I'll pick my conditions and do the very best I can to minimize landing risks, but I'm not going to settle for less than what I can get back out of my arm in the long run.

peace OUT!!!!